The, like, one and only!

Dear Mr/Mrs. Dean (Is that actually your real name?)


I am SO unique! I'm totally positive that you have never met anyone so, like, intelligent and beautiful and as loved as me. Legally Blonde is based on my life. True story! I taught Paris Hilton's dog how to be cute, I showed Models how to walk and I totally got a 'B' in English for, like, being so articulate. Beat that! A's are so overrated.


I volunteer by teaching the blind how to dress fashionably. I'm totally a good Samaritan. On Mondays I go to Pilates, on Tuesdays I baby sit Angelina Jolie's children. On Wednesdays I go shopping, on Thursdays I have dinner and drinks with Arnold and Maria Schwarzenegger. On Fridays I go to a private spa in the Himalayan Mountains. On Saturdays I hire people to clean my house (usually my Mother) and on Sundays I go to church. Jesus loves you! 


People often call me a Goddess, there's even a statue of me in the Queens Garden. People often put my name and 'superbly attractive' in the same sentence. I've performed in a number of operas and when that spotlight hits me I shine brighter than Edward Cullen. People have even made numerous fan clubs dedicated to me! My picture is on your daughter's lunch box.


I hope you know a good thing before it's gone because I'm here and (surprisingly) I'm waiting. Accept me now or forever hold your peace.  Love-well, you should totally know by now!